[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
What even happened today?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”