Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now