[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds