I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You Might Also Like
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
This bar smells like my childhood.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”