It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
🌱🌱🌱
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*