“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Oops
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.