Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me after eating Cheetos
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.