Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
my dad has had enough
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off