[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
You Might Also Like
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier