Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked