The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset