What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake