me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall