“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.