I hope this email punches you square in the face
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Have kids, they said
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!