wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.