Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
a badder mouse
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
starting a garage orchestra
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.