[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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