CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
me and my fake scenarios
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Dammit Chief not again
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
man: wait
time: no
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats