Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway