Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
This came to me in a dream.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning