Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Breaking news:
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.