I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night