Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u