a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill