I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!