So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You Might Also Like
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Twitter is an abusement park.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why