My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil