Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: