Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan