Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card