You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I want to meet the individual who made this
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.