by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE