When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player