So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.