I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.