Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
#CatsOnTwitter
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
how much for the angry fruit?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.