“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.