Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
You Might Also Like
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”