Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.