If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.