Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now