Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.