Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Important
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.