Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.