I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
You Might Also Like
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?