[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it