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Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Fidel Castro was alive?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there