Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!