I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Mmmm canned fish.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
They did not miss in the small print
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?